Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dania Undercover Project: Eff Old People

elder woman crying, presumably because she made an awful dania shopping decision

Dania Furniture recently forked over an indisclosed six-figure sum (not American dollars) for a heavily-cloaked paid placement on "New Day," a late morning local television talk show on Seattle WA's NBC affiliate, King 5.  This was all a part of Dania's new marketing efforts to enter into elusive the frugal senior citizen furniture shopping demographic. If you're familiar with the show or the format, you'll know that no one in their right mind, and/or not on a fixed income, under the age of 65 watches this television show.

Our inside sources report the internal, undercover name is known as "Project: Eff Old People," which is an endeavor to take all the money from our beloved seniors, regardless of the cost - emotionally and financially.  If you've watched the video, you may not know that this was a paid ad, because of the professionalism and preparation of this high-end placement.  Yes, this indeed is the pinnacle of deception for all the awful things Dania has done.

This 6 minute masquerade of ugly furniture propaganda ended with Dania going so far as to pull an Oprah by giving the audience a cheese board to win their affection.  Frankly, it was disgusting and a dirty trick on the beloved elderly.  Unfortunately, the crowd was wowed and overjoyed by this and received a huge ovation.  Of course, this was just as Dania had anticipated and certainly got its money for all the consultants presumably they hired to figure out the best way to bilk the elderly.

John Aarp, president of the AARP has come out with denouncing Dania's targeting of the elderly.  "We cannot allow the most vulnerable of our population to be duped into buying this god awful furniture and home chachkis.  It's just plain unfair." He went on to say that he fears old people, in their confusion of this highly sophisticated propaganda are at risk of overspending their retirement funds to buy furniture over food and medication.  Because Dania has somehow tricked the American psyche to think they are reasonably priced, the elderly may think this is a necessity.  In other words, old people will probably die if they were to witness that segment, by making the decisions just described above. In a world of "what ifs," that's a super scary one.

Margaret Larson, host of the show, has not issued any statements in regards to this, and stands to taint her reputation as a pillar to the community  and an emblem of local journalistic integrity.  I guess it's fair to say she's gambling away her legacy on dirty Dania dollars.  Oh, Margaret say it ain't so!

dania now offering payday loans
This, of course, is no surprise to those who follow Dania.  Let us not forget about their recent, morally bankrupt foray into high-risk, payday loans - cutely referred to as "paydania loans." As you can see from the screenshot, it's so out of left field, it almost appears as though someone just photoshopped it onto their website. We suppose, as long as it makes dollars and cents, it will be done.

CEO, Evil John Dania III recently defended the payday loans venture and strategy to capturing the old people who don't buy furniture segment.  At the latest quarterly review, he stated his allegiance is to the shareholders and that the "easiest of the easy to benefit in the great world of ours is to exploit those who have the weakest defenses. We're going to continue doing this until we have all the exploited money in the world, because it's the best currency." He then turned to his side and high-fived his BFFs, Charles and David, urinated on a poor, elderly person, and then back-flipped off the stage to a perfect 10 point landing.

The crowd cheered, the stock has since soared, and now it's up to us to pick up the pieces.  I'm reaching out to all the Davids out there...let us form like Voltron and take down Goliath.  Let them know that our elderly will not be exploited and that the impoverished will no longer be forced to pay their exorbitant interest rates any more.  It's high time we knock some sense into them.