Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dania Undercover Project: Eff Old People

elder woman crying, presumably because she made an awful dania shopping decision

Dania Furniture recently forked over an indisclosed six-figure sum (not American dollars) for a heavily-cloaked paid placement on "New Day," a late morning local television talk show on Seattle WA's NBC affiliate, King 5.  This was all a part of Dania's new marketing efforts to enter into elusive the frugal senior citizen furniture shopping demographic. If you're familiar with the show or the format, you'll know that no one in their right mind, and/or not on a fixed income, under the age of 65 watches this television show.

Our inside sources report the internal, undercover name is known as "Project: Eff Old People," which is an endeavor to take all the money from our beloved seniors, regardless of the cost - emotionally and financially.  If you've watched the video, you may not know that this was a paid ad, because of the professionalism and preparation of this high-end placement.  Yes, this indeed is the pinnacle of deception for all the awful things Dania has done.

This 6 minute masquerade of ugly furniture propaganda ended with Dania going so far as to pull an Oprah by giving the audience a cheese board to win their affection.  Frankly, it was disgusting and a dirty trick on the beloved elderly.  Unfortunately, the crowd was wowed and overjoyed by this and received a huge ovation.  Of course, this was just as Dania had anticipated and certainly got its money for all the consultants presumably they hired to figure out the best way to bilk the elderly.

John Aarp, president of the AARP has come out with denouncing Dania's targeting of the elderly.  "We cannot allow the most vulnerable of our population to be duped into buying this god awful furniture and home chachkis.  It's just plain unfair." He went on to say that he fears old people, in their confusion of this highly sophisticated propaganda are at risk of overspending their retirement funds to buy furniture over food and medication.  Because Dania has somehow tricked the American psyche to think they are reasonably priced, the elderly may think this is a necessity.  In other words, old people will probably die if they were to witness that segment, by making the decisions just described above. In a world of "what ifs," that's a super scary one.

Margaret Larson, host of the show, has not issued any statements in regards to this, and stands to taint her reputation as a pillar to the community  and an emblem of local journalistic integrity.  I guess it's fair to say she's gambling away her legacy on dirty Dania dollars.  Oh, Margaret say it ain't so!

dania now offering payday loans
This, of course, is no surprise to those who follow Dania.  Let us not forget about their recent, morally bankrupt foray into high-risk, payday loans - cutely referred to as "paydania loans." As you can see from the screenshot, it's so out of left field, it almost appears as though someone just photoshopped it onto their website. We suppose, as long as it makes dollars and cents, it will be done.

CEO, Evil John Dania III recently defended the payday loans venture and strategy to capturing the old people who don't buy furniture segment.  At the latest quarterly review, he stated his allegiance is to the shareholders and that the "easiest of the easy to benefit in the great world of ours is to exploit those who have the weakest defenses. We're going to continue doing this until we have all the exploited money in the world, because it's the best currency." He then turned to his side and high-fived his BFFs, Charles and David, urinated on a poor, elderly person, and then back-flipped off the stage to a perfect 10 point landing.

The crowd cheered, the stock has since soared, and now it's up to us to pick up the pieces.  I'm reaching out to all the Davids out there...let us form like Voltron and take down Goliath.  Let them know that our elderly will not be exploited and that the impoverished will no longer be forced to pay their exorbitant interest rates any more.  It's high time we knock some sense into them.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Dania Furniture in Spokane WA. Haunted and Likely Awful.


Spokane, Washington (AKA Spokompton) is located in eastern Washington, close to the Idaho border.  It's the second largest city in the state, clocking in at 200,000+ in population (mostly white), and is the urban hub for the eastern end of the state.  Blue collar industries drive the economy for the city and nearby areas.

While Spokane is a large city with a small town feel, it does have its fair share of notoriety, including being the hometown of old skool, super famous actor/singer Bing Crosby.  His memory lives on perpetuity, as the city preserved the home he grew up in as a part of  Gonzaga University campus. Furthermore, his the Bing Crosby Theatre keeps the city entertained by drawing in national, performance arts.

Generally speaking, Spokane is a down-to-earth area that is a large city alternative in Washington that doesn't boast the high-density, urban settings like the Seattle/Bellevue area on the west side of the state. That being said, they are not immune to having an awful Dania in their area, which is believed to be haunted.  Yes, that's right, we're talking about ghosts.

According to the local paper, Inlander, reports have recently flooded in with actual real-life accounts of seeing supernatural/afterlife beings in the store. No word on whether these are mean or nice ghosts, but either way, it sounds pretty scary.  It makes us wonder what Spokomptonites fear more...dealing with Dania's notoriously notorious customer service, or the supernatural.  We're guessing the former over the latter.

Logic guides us to the only sound conclusion that these ghosts are most likely deceased, former Dania customers that are super angry about their customer experience.  These bitter afterlifers are therefore content to haunt that store for all eternity...or is there potential for them to expand to other locations?  Based on our extensive knowledge on this, we believe this to be absolutely likely, if it hasn't already begun.  And we thought we're bitter and angry!

So who you gonna call once your soul and psyche have been placed under mass duress ?  Ghostbusters or Dania's customer service for help? Buh-dum-bum (make sure you click on the red button).  So anyway, if you fear ghosts and/or a poor furniture shopping experience, you are best advised to avoid this location at all cost:

Dania Furniture
319 W Riverside Ave
Spokane, WA 99201
(509) 624-7740

Furniture Shopping Options That Are Way Better Than Dania:

Remember, folks, we cannot vouch for the quality of the furniture, or the customer experience, but we're confident that these are much better alternatives.  If you know of a furniture store we should include in our listings, please feel free to contact us at daniascrewedme @ gmail.com, and we'll be sure to include your information.
  • Complete Suite Furniture - so they're not going to get props for having a dope page, but nothing compares to shopping from a family-owned regional chain that isn't Dania. Right?
  • National Furniture Store - let's face it, this is old person's furniture, but a billion times better than the kind of garbage you'll find at Dania. To their credit, they seem to have some great sales, warranties, and seem very customer-oriented. Dania could learn a lot from them, if it were capable of learning.
  • Spokane Furniture Company - wide selection of stuff to put your stuff inside, onto and in between, as well as stuff to sit or sleep on. Unlike Dania, they sell their gear online, so make haste and get your order on!
  • Tin Roof - great array of furniture, designed by local artisans with a community focus. Worth a visit, at least.
  • Walker's Furniture - it looks like everything they sell is on sale. No joke - this is your spot, coupon cutters!
Visit the OCCUPY Dania Page for more information on real furniture alternatives in other areas.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Dania Furniture Recall: Riley Duo Bunk Beds

recall!  the riley duo bunk bed is outta here

Eeee! What's worse than having overpriced, faux high-end furniture in your home and exposing it to your children? Well, how about all of that, and it turns out that it can also cause serious injury to junior or your little princess, according to the United States Consumer Protection Safety Commission. That's right, folks, Dania's in hot water...again...

The Riley Duo Beds, manufactured by Wood Castle Furniture and distributed by Dania have found the guard rails on the bed exceeds 3.5" in distance.  According to the commission this, "is too wide" and presents a hazard to precious children all across our great land who sleep and dream big dreams in these very beds.  It truly breaks our heart to know Dania's peddling products that are adversely impacting the future of America.

What's even sadder is that we weren't able to find any mention of this on Dania's website, from the time this story broke on November 15, 2013 to now.  We can only hope and pray they tried to at least contact the customers who had purchased this.  Such an expectation, however, is likely to disappoint.

There were approximately 1,000 units sold between 2008 and 2011, ranging from $1500 to $1700, and was also available for sale on roomandboard.com.  If you or someone you know has purchased this, please alert them of this news.  It's bad enough to be a victim of crappy furniture, but when it presents a physical harm to the loved ones around you...well, it's possibly the worst thing ever.  We have our fingers crossed that no serious harm was ever imposed upon any of these innocent kids who were exposed to this massive debacle in furniture sales.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Dania Furniture in Beaverton (Tanasbourne) Oregon. Now Down to Just One Location.

beaverton oregon is like vegas meets new york


Beaverton is one of three cities in Oregon that is being terrorized by Dania Furniture.  It's a city on the rise, playing it cool with a low profile, as it's the sixth largest city in the state with a population a hair under 90,000 residents.  Money Magazine even gave it a shoutout, listing it as one of the top 100 cities to live in.  And let's face it, if it didn't have a Dania, it would probably be a lay-up for the top 10 list. One of these days \the residents will rise up and oust Dania, and induct themselves on the coveteted list .

Primarily middle class, Beaverton's charm that landed itself on the list is thanks to their smarty pants public education system, and relatively stable local economy, a percent or so below the national average.  Furthermore, there are 100+ parks scattered throughout the city, in addition to biking and hiking options, so it's quite an ideal environment for kids. Nike's headquartered there, but unfortunately do not offer subcontracted career opportunities to them.

While undocumented and possibly untrue, it has been alleged that Phil Knight's inspiration to subcontract out manufacturing to "sweatshops" was inspired by years of exposure to Dania furniture.  It is believed that it was more sinister than the mere desire for higher profit margins and personal glory - it was done out of disdain for humanity. While we can't say whether or not the mere exposure to Dania was the cause of this is reasonably speculative, half-baked accusation, it's likely true.

It's quite clear that Dania's existence has taken its toll on Beaverton.  Sure, it's a great city to live in, but could be so much more if it didn't have that godforesaken store in its city limits.  Yes, their location at 17005 is closed, which is a tiny victory for the cause.  However, we can't really celebrate this until their employees are rushed off to career rehab for PTSD so they can be prepared to work for a great organization that can truly appreciate them for who they are. No one but shareholders get pumped for job losses, so let's all hope their greener pastures are sooner than later for them.

We wouldn't shop here, and we suggest you don't either:

Dania Furniture in Tanasbourne
16995 NW Cornell Rd
Beaverton, OR 97006
(503) 629-2522

Furniture Shopping Options That Are Way Better Than Dania:
Remember, folks, we cannot vouch for the quality of the furniture, or the customer experience, but we're confident that these are much better alternatives.  If you know of a furniture store we should include in our listings, please feel free to contact us at daniascrewedme@gmail.com, and we'll be sure to include your information.
  • Bella Furniture - Forgive them for their excessive flash.  It's really done with the best of intentions.
  • Furniture Connexion - A furniture store of the people by the people, for the people.
  • Gallery Furniture - Can't really tell much from their picture-free Google Plus page, but roll the dice and walk in blind.  YOLO, baby!
  • Hollywood Furniture - For the family - value buys, and splurge opportunities.
  • Parker Furniture - Fancy pants gear for white walls and hardwood floors.
  • Stanton Furniture - Visiting their site just to hear their triumphant theme music is reason enough to visit.  Browsing their collection of furniture for sale is all bonus!
Back to the OCCUPY Dania Page for more information on real furniture alternatives in other areas.