Saturday, June 6, 2015

Celebrities Mock Dania Rebranding Billboards in Selfies

You never really know how many people you connect with when you start an amazing blog, like ours.  Sure, we know it's pretty tight, full of 100% truth, and are proud of the body of our work that spans four very proud years.  After all, with the internets, there is the potential to reach everyone, but you never really know who are you are actually connecting with.  We don't pour our collective heart here glory, but positive feedback and validation is something anyone can appreciate.  Certainly, we're no different in that regard.

Right before our announcement of Dania's hella dumb rebranding sale, a slow trickle of celebrity selfies with Dania rebranding billboards eventually erupted into a river of JPGs and PNGs in our inbox.   We were awestruck and a bit gee-schuck in response to the positive feedback we received for forcing Dania to rebrand.  Who would have ever guessed celebrities would have taken to selfies with Dania rebranding billboards!  Not us, but we were no doubt way pumped to receive them.  

Here are our favorites:

kim kardashian would rather shop second hand than at daniaIt all started, like how most things online things do, with Kim Kardashian.  We had no idea she was even a fan of our blog, but she flew into Seattle just to get a selfie with one of those horrific Dania rebranding billboards just to clown them online.  She followed this up with a personal email to us and thanked us for our valiant work; you know, because she's the arbitor of that. We were also sent some super tight recordings by her husband, Yeezus, who's been working on some anti-Dania material that is likely to result in a string of hits for him and the movement.  Hopefully Big Sean won't be on any of those tracks, because he's not a very good rapper, despite e40 bailing him out of that one track.  
kansas city royals are above dania furnitureBut it didn't stop there, Paul Rudd and our favorite team from the AL Central, the Kansas City Royals even made it up to highway 99 in Shoreline, WA to partake in the festive mockery that took the celebrity stratosphere by storm.  Royals coach Ned Yost, said "we just wanted to see a live rebranding billboard, and they don't have them in KC. Winning the AL pennant and having Dania fall to their knees was a great way to wrap up 2014."  Paul Rudd also said some unfavorable stuff about Dania, as well. We think he's overrated so we just pretend listened to him until we got a chance to sneak away and ask Yost why he has an idiotic judge of character, considering Ryan Braun is a fully optimized dick/douch hybrid.

peter dinklage is about as anti dania as it gets
The coolest anti-Dania celebrity selfie came courtesy of the great Peter Dinklage, whose dangerously high level of celebrity can unintentionally result in death to average folk.  You may know him better as Tyrion Lannister, the best character on the best show on TV, computer, tablet, and smartphone.  That show, Game of Thrones for those that don't participate in civil society.

Dinklage traveled to Rainier Ave in south Seattle to mock Dania and broadcast it to his fans.  He posted his selfie online and included this commentary: "If Dania were a character on Game of Thrones, it would probably be a cross between Joffrey and Theon Greyjoy.  The monstrous byproduct of inbreeding, a literal thirst for human flesh and blood, mixed with an unintentionally-incestuous, no talent assclown with zero balls. I don't know if they can rebrand that away. "

the pope hates dania
The greatest of all honors was when The Pope took time out of his busy, god celebrating schedule, to give a shoutout to us.  His message was as brilliant as it was concise.  "May the Lord dissolve that company with his fiery vengeance, like some Old Testament ish, you know what I'm sayin'?  It is time for humanity to be done with them once and for all."

Amen, Pope.  Amen.  We think The Pope is onto something, as this rebranding sale is a clear indictment on the state of their business.  It's obvious to even the most obtuse Dania executive that they're screwed, because a blog created by some dude has managed to reach over 50,000 people to tell them not to shop there. And apparently enough of them are heeding our message.

The future of Dania is indeed at a crossroads.  Not only did they make a baseless investment in billboard advertising, they also invested heavily in a perpetual motion machine to help them reduce their energy expenses.  Furthermore, their recent job post seeking an alchemist to help them improve their finances seems a bit desperate.  CEO, Evil John Dania, III must have a giant koi pond with a lot of pennies at the bottom.

It doesn't take much effort to show people a little bit of respect and kindness to build an army of loyal shoppers.  If you're in the Seattle area and have shopped at awesome ass Kasala, you'll know they've got super tight furniture with decent pricing at Nordstrom-level quality customer service.   It's like the folks that work there are fueled from the pure joy they are able to instill into their customers. Your happiness really is their happiness.  Check it out for yourself and tell them Dania ScrewedMe sent you.  In fact, ask them for the "Dania ScrewedMe discount," and see what they say.  It might even exist.

In addition to Kasala, you can also get your shop on at Room & Board, where the gear is totes beautiful, and there's a lot of staff on hand to provide honest advice and guidance.  What's most interesting about them is they are a national chain of stores, and have aggregated 95% of their furniture inventory from local US designers and have created a sustainable business at scale.

So Dania's got a lot to rebrand against, because those are just two brands, which are beloved and they treat people like human beings and not credit cards to be swiped, processed and booted out the door.   And we're going to use this space to clown Dania even harder and promote their competition.

That's right Kasala and R&B (and others) - we will promote you for free and would also be more than happy to do some heavy, thinly veiled native advertising here.  Either way, we are ready to get Dania to do a rerebranding sale.

We already can't wait for the next round of celebrity selfies to surface.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Dania Furniture Rebrands, Thanks to Dania ScrewedMe

evil john dania, iii, is not just the face of an evil corporation, he's literally a scary ass clown

Well, another exciting year of hating on Dania has been logged and we are happy to report another successful year.  In fact, it's not just 2014 that was so successful.  It has been our entire campaign against those idiots, since 2011. And we have evidence of how much we have brought them to their weak, pathetic knees.  They've been advertising a "rebranding" sale, since October of last year as far as we can tell.  And yes, we are taking credit for forcing Dania to rebrand.  Oh boy, is 2015 going to be a fun year for us!

We appreciate the congratulations from across the country in what is a clear win for the Anti-Dania Movement, which emerged from humble beginnings - one man's bitterness and a Google account. We now have a global army of dedicated faux high end furniture haters, destined to fulfill our threat of putting them out of business, via objective truth.  Fair to say, the Dania ScrewedMe headquarters has been full of rofls, high-fives, and whiteboarding sessions, as we now transition to our "finish him" strategy.

What they're rebranding to - we haven't a clue, but it likely won't be to a likable or even respectable company.  Maybe they'll change their name or conduct a massive font overhaul.  Whatever it is, we're skeptical it'll have any impact.  Let's face it, reorganizing Dania to a company people like is just too mission impossible, even for the savviest of overpaid consultants to map out.

dania furniture plans to telegraph its rebranding sale, in addition to direct mail
We first discovered this sale when we received a flyer in the mail that initially incensed us.  Why on earth would Dania send us an ad, knowing all that we've been through?  I mean, what kind of clowns are running their direct mail program?  We were so incensed we smashed every window in the house, lit our car on fire and left the refrigerator door open.  It was pretty intense; we were overcome with an extreme Dania-fueled rage, that eventually receded into laughter.  Slow motion laughter, literally - the world stopped for a moment.  After viewing the mailer a little more closely, we realized this was a thinly veiled "rebranding sale" white flag shipped to us direct from Dania headquarters telling us that we've won.

Then, on one of our favorite weekly errands, shopping at hella cool Costco, we were taken aback by a billboard that nearly made us crash our car, due to uncontrollable loling. It was a Dania billboard advertising their "re-branding sale," along highway 99 in Shoreline, a suburb north of Seattle.  This poorly designed ad proudly sat above a suite of windowless stores, including but not limited to vaporizers, cigarrettes & assorted tobacco, and pornography.  We really love the context in which their ads are promoted.  Cleary, nicotine and boners are somehow a part of the master plan behind this rebranding.  Needless to say, we can't wait to see how it all fits together.

As for our plan for the new year, we plan on doing more of the same (running a super tight blog), promote Dania's competition, and a few tricks and surprises along the way.  All we can say is sharpen up your haiku writing skills, and brace yourself for another phenomenal year of groundbreaking, hate blog journalism courtesy of Dania Screwedme.  We promise you won't be disappointed.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Page 1 Party 2014: Hate Me Out to the Ballgame

kyle seager sporting his page 1 jersey, hip bumping with robinson cano

OMG, you guys! It's time to get down and party to celebrate our page 1 status again.  So join us, won't you? Just in case you've forgotten, we hold the shiney, impressive title of page 1 status when you search for "dania furniture" on Google.  As a result, we've been celebrating this annually, since our inception in 2011.

Okay, so we didn't have one last year, because we were so tied up promoting the hate on Dania that there wasn't time to celebrate.  It's not easy being on page one, folks.  Sometimes you have to put the caviar and cocktails aside, strap on some workboots and overalls and get down to brass tacks.  So, in lieu of that, we made a generous, multi-dollar contribution to one of our favorite causes, Planned Parenthood.  They really do need us more than ever now, since there seems to be all this lady-hating going on.  What's up with that?

But we digress, here are the deets on this year's party:

  • When: Saturday, September 27, 4pm - ?
  • What: unOFFICIAL Anti-Dania Night at Safeco Field, in Seattle. Mariners vs. Angels
  • Who: You, us, and the Seattle Mariners
  • Pregame: Bottomless, complimentary pitchers at a nearby bar TBD at 4pm, sponsored by us.
    • That's right, FREE booze, y'all.
  • Game time: 6:10pm.  
    • We will be catching homeruns and gonna flash some major hating on that jumbotron. Also, King Felix will probably stop by and hang with us for a bit. You can count on it.
  • Post game: somewhere amazing, TBD
  • Special Deets: Handing out free Anti-Dania wristbands to folks as they enter Safeco. Come help us and get yours!

Get in on this, email to join us. We've still got some room in our crew, so if you want a free ticket, just say the word.

If you aren't in the area, but want to celebrate the hate, we suggest throwing your own satellite page 1 party in your hometown and visiting whatever local sports team you support.  Or bar, church, whatever appropriate venue that will help bring the community together to clown that awful company.  They really deserve it.

BTW, it will be crucial that we all root especially hard for Mr. Kyle Seager, our badass third baseman.  He's had a decent week so far, but will need a strong finish if our fantasy team is to have any chance at winning the title.  There's a lot of pride on the line, for him and us.

Oh, and why only care about Google search status, you may be asking yourself?  Well, it's because Bing and Yahoo are like the Dania Furniture of search engines: always an option, but never worth it. We hope Satya and Marisa (go BABA!) can turn things around over there, but we aren't counting on it like Dania's terrible furniture delivery policy. Man oh man, do we enjoy making fun of all of them.

Looking forward to seeing you guys there.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dania Undercover Project: Eff Old People

elder woman crying, presumably because she made an awful dania shopping decision

Dania Furniture recently forked over an indisclosed six-figure sum (not American dollars) for a heavily-cloaked paid placement on "New Day," a late morning local television talk show on Seattle WA's NBC affiliate, King 5.  This was all a part of Dania's new marketing efforts to enter into elusive the frugal senior citizen furniture shopping demographic. If you're familiar with the show or the format, you'll know that no one in their right mind, and/or not on a fixed income, under the age of 65 watches this television show.

Our inside sources report the internal, undercover name is known as "Project: Eff Old People," which is an endeavor to take all the money from our beloved seniors, regardless of the cost - emotionally and financially.  If you've watched the video, you may not know that this was a paid ad, because of the professionalism and preparation of this high-end placement.  Yes, this indeed is the pinnacle of deception for all the awful things Dania has done.

This 6 minute masquerade of ugly furniture propaganda ended with Dania going so far as to pull an Oprah by giving the audience a cheese board to win their affection.  Frankly, it was disgusting and a dirty trick on the beloved elderly.  Unfortunately, the crowd was wowed and overjoyed by this and received a huge ovation.  Of course, this was just as Dania had anticipated and certainly got its money for all the consultants presumably they hired to figure out the best way to bilk the elderly.

John Aarp, president of the AARP has come out with denouncing Dania's targeting of the elderly.  "We cannot allow the most vulnerable of our population to be duped into buying this god awful furniture and home chachkis.  It's just plain unfair." He went on to say that he fears old people, in their confusion of this highly sophisticated propaganda are at risk of overspending their retirement funds to buy furniture over food and medication.  Because Dania has somehow tricked the American psyche to think they are reasonably priced, the elderly may think this is a necessity.  In other words, old people will probably die if they were to witness that segment, by making the decisions just described above. In a world of "what ifs," that's a super scary one.

Margaret Larson, host of the show, has not issued any statements in regards to this, and stands to taint her reputation as a pillar to the community  and an emblem of local journalistic integrity.  I guess it's fair to say she's gambling away her legacy on dirty Dania dollars.  Oh, Margaret say it ain't so!

dania now offering payday loans
This, of course, is no surprise to those who follow Dania.  Let us not forget about their recent, morally bankrupt foray into high-risk, payday loans - cutely referred to as "paydania loans." As you can see from the screenshot, it's so out of left field, it almost appears as though someone just photoshopped it onto their website. We suppose, as long as it makes dollars and cents, it will be done.

CEO, Evil John Dania III recently defended the payday loans venture and strategy to capturing the old people who don't buy furniture segment.  At the latest quarterly review, he stated his allegiance is to the shareholders and that the "easiest of the easy to benefit in the great world of ours is to exploit those who have the weakest defenses. We're going to continue doing this until we have all the exploited money in the world, because it's the best currency." He then turned to his side and high-fived his BFFs, Charles and David, urinated on a poor, elderly person, and then back-flipped off the stage to a perfect 10 point landing.

The crowd cheered, the stock has since soared, and now it's up to us to pick up the pieces.  I'm reaching out to all the Davids out there...let us form like Voltron and take down Goliath.  Let them know that our elderly will not be exploited and that the impoverished will no longer be forced to pay their exorbitant interest rates any more.  It's high time we knock some sense into them.