Thursday, September 25, 2014

Page 1 Party 2014: Hate Me Out to the Ballgame

kyle seager sporting his page 1 jersey, hip bumping with robinson cano

OMG, you guys! It's time to get down and party to celebrate our page 1 status again.  So join us, won't you? Just in case you've forgotten, we hold the shiney, impressive title of page 1 status when you search for "dania furniture" on Google.  As a result, we've been celebrating this annually, since our inception in 2011.

Okay, so we didn't have one last year, because we were so tied up promoting the hate on Dania that there wasn't time to celebrate.  It's not easy being on page one, folks.  Sometimes you have to put the caviar and cocktails aside, strap on some workboots and overalls and get down to brass tacks.  So, in lieu of that, we made a generous, multi-dollar contribution to one of our favorite causes, Planned Parenthood.  They really do need us more than ever now, since there seems to be all this lady-hating going on.  What's up with that?

But we digress, here are the deets on this year's party:

  • When: Saturday, September 27, 4pm - ?
  • What: unOFFICIAL Anti-Dania Night at Safeco Field, in Seattle. Mariners vs. Angels
  • Who: You, us, and the Seattle Mariners
  • Pregame: Bottomless, complimentary pitchers at a nearby bar TBD at 4pm, sponsored by us.
    • That's right, FREE booze, y'all.
  • Game time: 6:10pm.  
    • We will be catching homeruns and gonna flash some major hating on that jumbotron. Also, King Felix will probably stop by and hang with us for a bit. You can count on it.
  • Post game: somewhere amazing, TBD
  • Special Deets: Handing out free Anti-Dania wristbands to folks as they enter Safeco. Come help us and get yours!

Get in on this, email daniascrewedme@gmail.com to join us. We've still got some room in our crew, so if you want a free ticket, just say the word.

If you aren't in the area, but want to celebrate the hate, we suggest throwing your own satellite page 1 party in your hometown and visiting whatever local sports team you support.  Or bar, church, whatever appropriate venue that will help bring the community together to clown that awful company.  They really deserve it.

BTW, it will be crucial that we all root especially hard for Mr. Kyle Seager, our third baseman.  He's had a decent week so far, but will need a strong finish if our fantasy team is to have any chance at winning the title.  There's a lot of pride on the line, for him and us.

Oh, and why only care about Google search status, you may be asking yourself?  Well, it's because Bing and Yahoo are like the Dania Furniture of search engines: always an option, but never worth it. We hope Satya and Marisa (go BABA!) can turn things around over there, but we aren't counting on it like Dania's terrible furniture delivery policy. Man oh man, do we enjoy making fun of all of them.

Looking forward to seeing you guys there.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dania Undercover Project: Eff Old People

elder woman crying, presumably because she made an awful dania shopping decision

Dania Furniture recently forked over an indisclosed six-figure sum (not American dollars) for a heavily-cloaked paid placement on "New Day," a late morning local television talk show on Seattle WA's NBC affiliate, King 5.  This was all a part of Dania's new marketing efforts to enter into elusive the frugal senior citizen furniture shopping demographic. If you're familiar with the show or the format, you'll know that no one in their right mind, and/or not on a fixed income, under the age of 65 watches this television show.

Our inside sources report the internal, undercover name is known as "Project: Eff Old People," which is an endeavor to take all the money from our beloved seniors, regardless of the cost - emotionally and financially.  If you've watched the video, you may not know that this was a paid ad, because of the professionalism and preparation of this high-end placement.  Yes, this indeed is the pinnacle of deception for all the awful things Dania has done.

This 6 minute masquerade of ugly furniture propaganda ended with Dania going so far as to pull an Oprah by giving the audience a cheese board to win their affection.  Frankly, it was disgusting and a dirty trick on the beloved elderly.  Unfortunately, the crowd was wowed and overjoyed by this and received a huge ovation.  Of course, this was just as Dania had anticipated and certainly got its money for all the consultants presumably they hired to figure out the best way to bilk the elderly.

John Aarp, president of the AARP has come out with denouncing Dania's targeting of the elderly.  "We cannot allow the most vulnerable of our population to be duped into buying this god awful furniture and home chachkis.  It's just plain unfair." He went on to say that he fears old people, in their confusion of this highly sophisticated propaganda are at risk of overspending their retirement funds to buy furniture over food and medication.  Because Dania has somehow tricked the American psyche to think they are reasonably priced, the elderly may think this is a necessity.  In other words, old people will probably die if they were to witness that segment, by making the decisions just described above. In a world of "what ifs," that's a super scary one.

Margaret Larson, host of the show, has not issued any statements in regards to this, and stands to taint her reputation as a pillar to the community  and an emblem of local journalistic integrity.  I guess it's fair to say she's gambling away her legacy on dirty Dania dollars.  Oh, Margaret say it ain't so!

dania now offering payday loans
This, of course, is no surprise to those who follow Dania.  Let us not forget about their recent, morally bankrupt foray into high-risk, payday loans - cutely referred to as "paydania loans." As you can see from the screenshot, it's so out of left field, it almost appears as though someone just photoshopped it onto their website. We suppose, as long as it makes dollars and cents, it will be done.

CEO, Evil John Dania III recently defended the payday loans venture and strategy to capturing the old people who don't buy furniture segment.  At the latest quarterly review, he stated his allegiance is to the shareholders and that the "easiest of the easy to benefit in the great world of ours is to exploit those who have the weakest defenses. We're going to continue doing this until we have all the exploited money in the world, because it's the best currency." He then turned to his side and high-fived his BFFs, Charles and David, urinated on a poor, elderly person, and then back-flipped off the stage to a perfect 10 point landing.

The crowd cheered, the stock has since soared, and now it's up to us to pick up the pieces.  I'm reaching out to all the Davids out there...let us form like Voltron and take down Goliath.  Let them know that our elderly will not be exploited and that the impoverished will no longer be forced to pay their exorbitant interest rates any more.  It's high time we knock some sense into them.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Dania Furniture in Spokane WA. Haunted and Likely Awful.


Spokane, Washington (AKA Spokompton) is located in eastern Washington, close to the Idaho border.  It's the second largest city in the state, clocking in at 200,000+ in population (mostly white), and is the urban hub for the eastern end of the state.  Blue collar industries drive the economy for the city and nearby areas.

While Spokane is a large city with a small town feel, it does have its fair share of notoriety, including being the hometown of old skool, super famous actor/singer Bing Crosby.  His memory lives on perpetuity, as the city preserved the home he grew up in as a part of  Gonzaga University campus. Furthermore, his the Bing Crosby Theatre keeps the city entertained by drawing in national, performance arts.

Generally speaking, Spokane is a down-to-earth area that is a large city alternative in Washington that doesn't boast the high-density, urban settings like the Seattle/Bellevue area on the west side of the state. That being said, they are not immune to having an awful Dania in their area, which is believed to be haunted.  Yes, that's right, we're talking about ghosts.

According to the local paper, Inlander, reports have recently flooded in with actual real-life accounts of seeing supernatural/afterlife beings in the store. No word on whether these are mean or nice ghosts, but either way, it sounds pretty scary.  It makes us wonder what Spokomptonites fear more...dealing with Dania's notoriously notorious customer service, or the supernatural.  We're guessing the former over the latter.

Logic guides us to the only sound conclusion that these ghosts are most likely deceased, former Dania customers that are super angry about their customer experience.  These bitter afterlifers are therefore content to haunt that store for all eternity...or is there potential for them to expand to other locations?  Based on our extensive knowledge on this, we believe this to be absolutely likely, if it hasn't already begun.  And we thought we're bitter and angry!

So who you gonna call once your soul and psyche have been placed under mass duress ?  Ghostbusters or Dania's customer service for help? Buh-dum-bum (make sure you click on the red button).  So anyway, if you fear ghosts and/or a poor furniture shopping experience, you are best advised to avoid this location at all cost:

Dania Furniture
319 W Riverside Ave
Spokane, WA 99201
(509) 624-7740

Furniture Shopping Options That Are Way Better Than Dania:

Remember, folks, we cannot vouch for the quality of the furniture, or the customer experience, but we're confident that these are much better alternatives.  If you know of a furniture store we should include in our listings, please feel free to contact us at daniascrewedme @ gmail.com, and we'll be sure to include your information.
  • Complete Suite Furniture - so they're not going to get props for having a dope page, but nothing compares to shopping from a family-owned regional chain that isn't Dania. Right?
  • National Furniture Store - let's face it, this is old person's furniture, but a billion times better than the kind of garbage you'll find at Dania. To their credit, they seem to have some great sales, warranties, and seem very customer-oriented. Dania could learn a lot from them, if it were capable of learning.
  • Spokane Furniture Company - wide selection of stuff to put your stuff inside, onto and in between, as well as stuff to sit or sleep on. Unlike Dania, they sell their gear online, so make haste and get your order on!
  • Tin Roof - great array of furniture, designed by local artisans with a community focus. Worth a visit, at least.
  • Walker's Furniture - it looks like everything they sell is on sale. No joke - this is your spot, coupon cutters!
Visit the OCCUPY Dania Page for more information on real furniture alternatives in other areas.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Dania Furniture Recall: Riley Duo Bunk Beds

recall!  the riley duo bunk bed is outta here

Eeee! What's worse than having overpriced, faux high-end furniture in your home and exposing it to your children? Well, how about all of that, and it turns out that it can also cause serious injury to junior or your little princess, according to the United States Consumer Protection Safety Commission. That's right, folks, Dania's in hot water...again...

The Riley Duo Beds, manufactured by Wood Castle Furniture and distributed by Dania have found the guard rails on the bed exceeds 3.5" in distance.  According to the commission this, "is too wide" and presents a hazard to precious children all across our great land who sleep and dream big dreams in these very beds.  It truly breaks our heart to know Dania's peddling products that are adversely impacting the future of America.

What's even sadder is that we weren't able to find any mention of this on Dania's website, from the time this story broke on November 15, 2013 to now.  We can only hope and pray they tried to at least contact the customers who had purchased this.  Such an expectation, however, is likely to disappoint.

There were approximately 1,000 units sold between 2008 and 2011, ranging from $1500 to $1700, and was also available for sale on roomandboard.com.  If you or someone you know has purchased this, please alert them of this news.  It's bad enough to be a victim of crappy furniture, but when it presents a physical harm to the loved ones around you...well, it's possibly the worst thing ever.  We have our fingers crossed that no serious harm was ever imposed upon any of these innocent kids who were exposed to this massive debacle in furniture sales.