Saturday, January 31, 2015

Dania Furniture Rebrands, Thanks to Dania ScrewedMe

evil john dania, iii, is not just the face of an evil corporation, he's literally a scary ass clown

Well, another exciting year of hating on Dania has been logged and we are happy to report another successful year.  In fact, it's not just 2014 that was so successful.  It has been our entire campaign against those idiots, since 2011. And we have evidence of how much we have brought them to their weak, pathetic knees.  They've been advertising a "rebranding" sale, since October of last year as far as we can tell.  And yes, we are taking credit for forcing Dania to rebrand.  Oh boy, is 2015 going to be a fun year for us!

We appreciate the congratulations from across the country in what is a clear win for the Anti-Dania Movement, which emerged from humble beginnings - one man's bitterness and a Google account. We now have a global army of dedicated faux high end furniture haters, destined to fulfill our threat of putting them out of business, via objective truth.  Fair to say, the Dania ScrewedMe headquarters has been full of rofls, high-fives, and whiteboarding sessions, as we now transition to our "finish him" strategy.

What they're rebranding to - we haven't a clue, but it likely won't be to a likable or even respectable company.  Maybe they'll change their name or conduct a massive font overhaul.  Whatever it is, we're skeptical it'll have any impact.  Let's face it, reorganizing Dania to a company people like is just too mission impossible, even for the savviest of overpaid consultants to map out.

dania furniture plans to telegraph its rebranding sale, in addition to direct mail
We first discovered this sale when we received a flyer in the mail that initially incensed us.  Why on earth would Dania send us an ad, knowing all that we've been through?  I mean, what kind of clowns are running their direct mail program?  We were so incensed we smashed every window in the house, lit our car on fire and left the refrigerator door open.  It was pretty intense; we were overcome with an extreme Dania-fueled rage, that eventually receded into laughter.  Slow motion laughter, literally - the world stopped for a moment.  After viewing the mailer a little more closely, we realized this was a thinly veiled "rebranding sale" white flag shipped to us direct from Dania headquarters telling us that we've won.

Then, on one of my favorite weekly errands, shopping at hella cool Costco, we were taken aback by a billboard that nearly made us crash our car, due to uncontrollable loling. It was a Dania billboard advertising their "re-branding sale," along highway 99 in Shoreline, a suburb north of Seattle.  This poorly designed ad proudly sat above a suite of windowless stores, including but not limited to vaporizers, cigarrettes & assorted tobacco, and pornography.  We really love the context in which their ads are promoted.  Cleary, nicotine and boners are somehow a part of the master plan behind this rebranding.  Needless to say, we can't wait to see how it all fits together.

As for our plan for the new year, we plan on doing more of the same (running a super tight blog), promote Dania's competition, and a few tricks and surprises along the way.  All we can say is sharpen up your haiku writing skills, and brace yourself for another phenomenal year of groundbreaking, hate blog journalism courtesy of Dania Screwedme.  We promise you won't be disappointed.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Page 1 Party 2014: Hate Me Out to the Ballgame

kyle seager sporting his page 1 jersey, hip bumping with robinson cano

OMG, you guys! It's time to get down and party to celebrate our page 1 status again.  So join us, won't you? Just in case you've forgotten, we hold the shiney, impressive title of page 1 status when you search for "dania furniture" on Google.  As a result, we've been celebrating this annually, since our inception in 2011.

Okay, so we didn't have one last year, because we were so tied up promoting the hate on Dania that there wasn't time to celebrate.  It's not easy being on page one, folks.  Sometimes you have to put the caviar and cocktails aside, strap on some workboots and overalls and get down to brass tacks.  So, in lieu of that, we made a generous, multi-dollar contribution to one of our favorite causes, Planned Parenthood.  They really do need us more than ever now, since there seems to be all this lady-hating going on.  What's up with that?

But we digress, here are the deets on this year's party:

  • When: Saturday, September 27, 4pm - ?
  • What: unOFFICIAL Anti-Dania Night at Safeco Field, in Seattle. Mariners vs. Angels
  • Who: You, us, and the Seattle Mariners
  • Pregame: Bottomless, complimentary pitchers at a nearby bar TBD at 4pm, sponsored by us.
    • That's right, FREE booze, y'all.
  • Game time: 6:10pm.  
    • We will be catching homeruns and gonna flash some major hating on that jumbotron. Also, King Felix will probably stop by and hang with us for a bit. You can count on it.
  • Post game: somewhere amazing, TBD
  • Special Deets: Handing out free Anti-Dania wristbands to folks as they enter Safeco. Come help us and get yours!

Get in on this, email to join us. We've still got some room in our crew, so if you want a free ticket, just say the word.

If you aren't in the area, but want to celebrate the hate, we suggest throwing your own satellite page 1 party in your hometown and visiting whatever local sports team you support.  Or bar, church, whatever appropriate venue that will help bring the community together to clown that awful company.  They really deserve it.

BTW, it will be crucial that we all root especially hard for Mr. Kyle Seager, our badass third baseman.  He's had a decent week so far, but will need a strong finish if our fantasy team is to have any chance at winning the title.  There's a lot of pride on the line, for him and us.

Oh, and why only care about Google search status, you may be asking yourself?  Well, it's because Bing and Yahoo are like the Dania Furniture of search engines: always an option, but never worth it. We hope Satya and Marisa (go BABA!) can turn things around over there, but we aren't counting on it like Dania's terrible furniture delivery policy. Man oh man, do we enjoy making fun of all of them.

Looking forward to seeing you guys there.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dania Undercover Project: Eff Old People

elder woman crying, presumably because she made an awful dania shopping decision

Dania Furniture recently forked over an indisclosed six-figure sum (not American dollars) for a heavily-cloaked paid placement on "New Day," a late morning local television talk show on Seattle WA's NBC affiliate, King 5.  This was all a part of Dania's new marketing efforts to enter into elusive the frugal senior citizen furniture shopping demographic. If you're familiar with the show or the format, you'll know that no one in their right mind, and/or not on a fixed income, under the age of 65 watches this television show.

Our inside sources report the internal, undercover name is known as "Project: Eff Old People," which is an endeavor to take all the money from our beloved seniors, regardless of the cost - emotionally and financially.  If you've watched the video, you may not know that this was a paid ad, because of the professionalism and preparation of this high-end placement.  Yes, this indeed is the pinnacle of deception for all the awful things Dania has done.

This 6 minute masquerade of ugly furniture propaganda ended with Dania going so far as to pull an Oprah by giving the audience a cheese board to win their affection.  Frankly, it was disgusting and a dirty trick on the beloved elderly.  Unfortunately, the crowd was wowed and overjoyed by this and received a huge ovation.  Of course, this was just as Dania had anticipated and certainly got its money for all the consultants presumably they hired to figure out the best way to bilk the elderly.

John Aarp, president of the AARP has come out with denouncing Dania's targeting of the elderly.  "We cannot allow the most vulnerable of our population to be duped into buying this god awful furniture and home chachkis.  It's just plain unfair." He went on to say that he fears old people, in their confusion of this highly sophisticated propaganda are at risk of overspending their retirement funds to buy furniture over food and medication.  Because Dania has somehow tricked the American psyche to think they are reasonably priced, the elderly may think this is a necessity.  In other words, old people will probably die if they were to witness that segment, by making the decisions just described above. In a world of "what ifs," that's a super scary one.

Margaret Larson, host of the show, has not issued any statements in regards to this, and stands to taint her reputation as a pillar to the community  and an emblem of local journalistic integrity.  I guess it's fair to say she's gambling away her legacy on dirty Dania dollars.  Oh, Margaret say it ain't so!

dania now offering payday loans
This, of course, is no surprise to those who follow Dania.  Let us not forget about their recent, morally bankrupt foray into high-risk, payday loans - cutely referred to as "paydania loans." As you can see from the screenshot, it's so out of left field, it almost appears as though someone just photoshopped it onto their website. We suppose, as long as it makes dollars and cents, it will be done.

CEO, Evil John Dania III recently defended the payday loans venture and strategy to capturing the old people who don't buy furniture segment.  At the latest quarterly review, he stated his allegiance is to the shareholders and that the "easiest of the easy to benefit in the great world of ours is to exploit those who have the weakest defenses. We're going to continue doing this until we have all the exploited money in the world, because it's the best currency." He then turned to his side and high-fived his BFFs, Charles and David, urinated on a poor, elderly person, and then back-flipped off the stage to a perfect 10 point landing.

The crowd cheered, the stock has since soared, and now it's up to us to pick up the pieces.  I'm reaching out to all the Davids out there...let us form like Voltron and take down Goliath.  Let them know that our elderly will not be exploited and that the impoverished will no longer be forced to pay their exorbitant interest rates any more.  It's high time we knock some sense into them.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Dania Furniture in Spokane WA. Haunted and Likely Awful.

Spokane, Washington (AKA Spokompton) is located in eastern Washington, close to the Idaho border.  It's the second largest city in the state, clocking in at 200,000+ in population (mostly white), and is the urban hub for the eastern end of the state.  Blue collar industries drive the economy for the city and nearby areas.

While Spokane is a large city with a small town feel, it does have its fair share of notoriety, including being the hometown of old skool, super famous actor/singer Bing Crosby.  His memory lives on perpetuity, as the city preserved the home he grew up in as a part of  Gonzaga University campus. Furthermore, his the Bing Crosby Theatre keeps the city entertained by drawing in national, performance arts.

Generally speaking, Spokane is a down-to-earth area that is a large city alternative in Washington that doesn't boast the high-density, urban settings like the Seattle/Bellevue area on the west side of the state. That being said, they are not immune to having an awful Dania in their area, which is believed to be haunted.  Yes, that's right, we're talking about ghosts.

According to the local paper, Inlander, reports have recently flooded in with actual real-life accounts of seeing supernatural/afterlife beings in the store. No word on whether these are mean or nice ghosts, but either way, it sounds pretty scary.  It makes us wonder what Spokomptonites fear more...dealing with Dania's notoriously notorious customer service, or the supernatural.  We're guessing the former over the latter.

Logic guides us to the only sound conclusion that these ghosts are most likely deceased, former Dania customers that are super angry about their customer experience.  These bitter afterlifers are therefore content to haunt that store for all eternity...or is there potential for them to expand to other locations?  Based on our extensive knowledge on this, we believe this to be absolutely likely, if it hasn't already begun.  And we thought we're bitter and angry!

So who you gonna call once your soul and psyche have been placed under mass duress ?  Ghostbusters or Dania's customer service for help? Buh-dum-bum (make sure you click on the red button).  So anyway, if you fear ghosts and/or a poor furniture shopping experience, you are best advised to avoid this location at all cost:

Dania Furniture
319 W Riverside Ave
Spokane, WA 99201
(509) 624-7740

Furniture Shopping Options That Are Way Better Than Dania:

Remember, folks, we cannot vouch for the quality of the furniture, or the customer experience, but we're confident that these are much better alternatives.  If you know of a furniture store we should include in our listings, please feel free to contact us at daniascrewedme @, and we'll be sure to include your information.
  • Complete Suite Furniture - so they're not going to get props for having a dope page, but nothing compares to shopping from a family-owned regional chain that isn't Dania. Right?
  • National Furniture Store - let's face it, this is old person's furniture, but a billion times better than the kind of garbage you'll find at Dania. To their credit, they seem to have some great sales, warranties, and seem very customer-oriented. Dania could learn a lot from them, if it were capable of learning.
  • Spokane Furniture Company - wide selection of stuff to put your stuff inside, onto and in between, as well as stuff to sit or sleep on. Unlike Dania, they sell their gear online, so make haste and get your order on!
  • Tin Roof - great array of furniture, designed by local artisans with a community focus. Worth a visit, at least.
  • Walker's Furniture - it looks like everything they sell is on sale. No joke - this is your spot, coupon cutters!
Visit the OCCUPY Dania Page for more information on real furniture alternatives in other areas.