Saturday, January 31, 2015

Dania Furniture Rebrands, Thanks to Dania ScrewedMe

evil john dania, iii, is not just the face of an evil corporation, he's literally a scary ass clown

Well, another exciting year of hating on Dania has been logged and we are happy to report another successful year.  In fact, it's not just 2014 that was so successful.  It has been our entire campaign against those idiots, since 2011. And we have evidence of how much we have brought them to their weak, pathetic knees.  They've been advertising a "rebranding" sale, since October of last year as far as we can tell.  And yes, we are taking credit for forcing Dania to rebrand.  Oh boy, is 2015 going to be a fun year for us!

We appreciate the congratulations from across the country in what is a clear win for the Anti-Dania Movement, which emerged from humble beginnings - one man's bitterness and a Google account. We now have a global army of dedicated faux high end furniture haters, destined to fulfill our threat of putting them out of business, via objective truth.  Fair to say, the Dania ScrewedMe headquarters has been full of rofls, high-fives, and whiteboarding sessions, as we now transition to our "finish him" strategy.

What they're rebranding to - we haven't a clue, but it likely won't be to a likable or even respectable company.  Maybe they'll change their name or conduct a massive font overhaul.  Whatever it is, we're skeptical it'll have any impact.  Let's face it, reorganizing Dania to a company people like is just too mission impossible, even for the savviest of overpaid consultants to map out.

dania furniture plans to telegraph its rebranding sale, in addition to direct mail
We first discovered this sale when we received a flyer in the mail that initially incensed us.  Why on earth would Dania send us an ad, knowing all that we've been through?  I mean, what kind of clowns are running their direct mail program?  We were so incensed we smashed every window in the house, lit our car on fire and left the refrigerator door open.  It was pretty intense; we were overcome with an extreme Dania-fueled rage, that eventually receded into laughter.  Slow motion laughter, literally - the world stopped for a moment.  After viewing the mailer a little more closely, we realized this was a thinly veiled "rebranding sale" white flag shipped to us direct from Dania headquarters telling us that we've won.

Then, on one of our favorite weekly errands, shopping at hella cool Costco, we were taken aback by a billboard that nearly made us crash our car, due to uncontrollable loling. It was a Dania billboard advertising their "re-branding sale," along highway 99 in Shoreline, a suburb north of Seattle.  This poorly designed ad proudly sat above a suite of windowless stores, including but not limited to vaporizers, cigarrettes & assorted tobacco, and pornography.  We really love the context in which their ads are promoted.  Cleary, nicotine and boners are somehow a part of the master plan behind this rebranding.  Needless to say, we can't wait to see how it all fits together.

As for our plan for the new year, we plan on doing more of the same (running a super tight blog), promote Dania's competition, and a few tricks and surprises along the way.  All we can say is sharpen up your haiku writing skills, and brace yourself for another phenomenal year of groundbreaking, hate blog journalism courtesy of Dania Screwedme.  We promise you won't be disappointed.