Saturday, June 6, 2015

Celebrities Mock Dania Rebranding Billboards in Selfies

You never really know how many people you connect with when you start an amazing blog, like ours.  Sure, we know it's pretty tight, full of 100% truth, and are proud of the body of our work that spans four very proud years.  After all, with the internets, there is the potential to reach everyone, but you never really know who are you are actually connecting with.  We don't pour our collective heart here glory, but positive feedback and validation is something anyone can appreciate.  Certainly, we're no different in that regard.

Right before our announcement of Dania's hella dumb rebranding sale, a slow trickle of celebrity selfies with Dania rebranding billboards eventually erupted into a river of JPGs and PNGs in our inbox.   We were awestruck and a bit gee-schuck in response to the positive feedback we received for forcing Dania to rebrand.  Who would have ever guessed celebrities would have taken to selfies with Dania rebranding billboards!  Not us, but we were no doubt way pumped to receive them.  

Here are our favorites:

kim kardashian would rather shop second hand than at daniaIt all started, like how most things online things do, with Kim Kardashian.  We had no idea she was even a fan of our blog, but she flew into Seattle just to get a selfie with one of those horrific Dania rebranding billboards just to clown them online.  She followed this up with a personal email to us and thanked us for our valiant work; you know, because she's the arbitor of that. We were also sent some super tight recordings by her husband, Yeezus, who's been working on some anti-Dania material that is likely to result in a string of hits for him and the movement.  Hopefully Big Sean won't be on any of those tracks, because he's not a very good rapper, despite e40 bailing him out of that one track.  
kansas city royals are above dania furnitureBut it didn't stop there, Paul Rudd and our favorite team from the AL Central, the Kansas City Royals even made it up to highway 99 in Shoreline, WA to partake in the festive mockery that took the celebrity stratosphere by storm.  Royals coach Ned Yost, said "we just wanted to see a live rebranding billboard, and they don't have them in KC. Winning the AL pennant and having Dania fall to their knees was a great way to wrap up 2014."  Paul Rudd also said some unfavorable stuff about Dania, as well. We think he's overrated so we just pretend listened to him until we got a chance to sneak away and ask Yost why he has an idiotic judge of character, considering Ryan Braun is a fully optimized dick/douch hybrid.

peter dinklage is about as anti dania as it gets
The coolest anti-Dania celebrity selfie came courtesy of the great Peter Dinklage, whose dangerously high level of celebrity can unintentionally result in death to average folk.  You may know him better as Tyrion Lannister, the best character on the best show on TV, computer, tablet, and smartphone.  That show, Game of Thrones for those that don't participate in civil society.

Dinklage traveled to Rainier Ave in south Seattle to mock Dania and broadcast it to his fans.  He posted his selfie online and included this commentary: "If Dania were a character on Game of Thrones, it would probably be a cross between Joffrey and Theon Greyjoy.  The monstrous byproduct of inbreeding, a literal thirst for human flesh and blood, mixed with an unintentionally-incestuous, no talent assclown with zero balls. I don't know if they can rebrand that away. "

the pope hates dania
The greatest of all honors was when The Pope took time out of his busy, god celebrating schedule, to give a shoutout to us.  His message was as brilliant as it was concise.  "May the Lord dissolve that company with his fiery vengeance, like some Old Testament ish, you know what I'm sayin'?  It is time for humanity to be done with them once and for all."

Amen, Pope.  Amen.  We think The Pope is onto something, as this rebranding sale is a clear indictment on the state of their business.  It's obvious to even the most obtuse Dania executive that they're screwed, because a blog created by some dude has managed to reach over 50,000 people to tell them not to shop there. And apparently enough of them are heeding our message.

The future of Dania is indeed at a crossroads.  Not only did they make a baseless investment in billboard advertising, they also invested heavily in a perpetual motion machine to help them reduce their energy expenses.  Furthermore, their recent job post seeking an alchemist to help them improve their finances seems a bit desperate.  CEO, Evil John Dania, III must have a giant koi pond with a lot of pennies at the bottom.

It doesn't take much effort to show people a little bit of respect and kindness to build an army of loyal shoppers.  If you're in the Seattle area and have shopped at awesome ass Kasala, you'll know they've got super tight furniture with decent pricing at Nordstrom-level quality customer service.   It's like the folks that work there are fueled from the pure joy they are able to instill into their customers. Your happiness really is their happiness.  Check it out for yourself and tell them Dania ScrewedMe sent you.  In fact, ask them for the "Dania ScrewedMe discount," and see what they say.  It might even exist.

In addition to Kasala, you can also get your shop on at Room & Board, where the gear is totes beautiful, and there's a lot of staff on hand to provide honest advice and guidance.  What's most interesting about them is they are a national chain of stores, and have aggregated 95% of their furniture inventory from local US designers and have created a sustainable business at scale.

So Dania's got a lot to rebrand against, because those are just two brands, which are beloved and they treat people like human beings and not credit cards to be swiped, processed and booted out the door.   And we're going to use this space to clown Dania even harder and promote their competition.

That's right Kasala and R&B (and others) - we will promote you for free and would also be more than happy to do some heavy, thinly veiled native advertising here.  Either way, we are ready to get Dania to do a rerebranding sale.

We already can't wait for the next round of celebrity selfies to surface.