Sunday, October 30, 2011

Page 1 Party: Dania Furniture Haters Unite

page1 party collage of dania furniture haters

The Page 1 Party was a smashing success, as evidenced by the hundreds of spite party critics across the nation are hailing it as the "you wish you coulda' hated there" event of the year.  We rocked it hard at the Orient Express for a solid 5+ hours, and hosted over 70 Dania Furniture haters throughout the entire evening. In a move of solidarity, everyone in attendance wore "Dania ScrewedMe" name tags to embody the firm belief that anyone can get screwed by Dania.

We convened for hours about our deep-seeded hatred of Dania; there was a lot of discussion regarding the follies of their products and their self-celebrated culture of terrible customer service.  As one walked throughout the event, one could hear Dania haters openly expressing their fervent disdain for their idiotic chairs,  utterly dumb couches, not to mention their lack of necessary business intangibles like customer service or intelligence at the C-level.  While this aroused intense hatred throughout the entire venue, it also brought about a calming sense of happiness and camaraderie as evidenced by the below Dania furniture haters.

dania haters smiling for the camera...holding in their seething rage...

The most popular drink of the evening was the Dania-Screwed-Me-Driver.  Thanks to super Dania hater, Big Nick for piecing together the ingredients, and much thanks to the Orient Express for not skimping on the vodka.  They were indeed delicious and full of merriment.

dania screwedme driver

Big Nick's contributions didn't end there, he toasted to the Dania ScrewedMe movement in a cryptic, nearly four minute toast to the love of hating Dania Furniture.  While he took cheap, tangential shots at Scandinavians, by slandering them as "idiots," the point he was reaching for was about how Dania Furniture's a terrible place to shop.  This was evidenced in his guilty confession of owning what he meant to describe as a terrible, cursed, Dania couch and ridiculously stupid ottoman that he will be hurling off a cliff. And just for the record, the Dania ScrewedMe LLC does not condone, nor support anti-Scandinavian sentiment, despite the black eye that Dania has given their supposed people.

The evening's agenda of hating Dania became so stressful that some Dania hate-filled heroes had to step outside for a smoke break to take the edge off.  It is in this regard that one could establish an almost a causal relationship of Dania Furniture to smoking cigarettes.  Let's face it, Dania Furniture's mere existence practically forces people to smoke, because they're so terrible.  We are calling for the surgeon general to conduct a study to link Dania Furniture's influence on smoking, and expose them for who they are: a terrible furniture company on a mission to poison America through horrible customer service and unsubstantiable linkages to inadvertently promoting cigarette smoking more explicitly than  your average Pro-Herman Cain advertisement.

smoke break from hating dania furniture

It should also be noted that party attendees cheered at the Dania ScrewedMe LLC's First Annual Furniture Awards Ceremony.  This year we only had one category, World's Worst Furniture Company of 2011, which was surprisingly awarded to Dania.  People were so excited, they wanted to pose with the trophy; please note uber Dania hater, Kerryn, who managed to work her hate into four photos.

dania haters posing with "2011's worst furniture company" awarded to dania furniture

Although the DSM sponsored tab had expired by 1AM, faithful Dania haters stuck around for a latenight group photo in the early hours of the morning, before storming the karaoke room.  The message we want to send to America and beyond is clear: We hate Dania Furniture.

"we hate dania furniture" sign held together by page 1 partiers

The night's success of uniting fellow Dania haters in a fun-and-spite-filled, organized fashion has only solidified our belief that this anti-Dania mission should continue in perpetuity.  Some people have congratulated us on a job well done, as if to imply that merely appearing on page 1 was the end goal.  Rest assured, this is not the case.  Our roadmap for the end of this year and through 2012 clearly articulates our desire to OCCUPY DANIA.  In the coming weeks we will make formal announcements of how we will continue to expand our reach on Google to ensure we reach everyone possible who even considers shopping at Dania, to take their business elsewhere.  We will also clown Dania hard on some of their failures in online advertising.  Clearly there is no stopping us.

former dania employee randomly ends up at page 1 joke...

"Why?" you may ask.  Well, it's for moments like this that keep us going. Pictured above, holding the trophy is a former Dania Furniture employee, who just happened to be with a group of individuals that were singing in a private karaoke room.  When asked about his experiences working there and his impressions, he was generous enough to share an articulate recount of why working for them was a nightmare.  His personal, traumatic story of working under a tyranny was heart-breaking and downright chilling.  He has moved onto greener pastures, but described working under Dania with unflattering expletives and was excited and encouraging for our anti-Dania cause.  This certainly is not a coincidence that an internal Dania hater was present at the Page 1 Party.  Forgive us for pointing out the obvious, but clearly this was God's doing - bringing the Dania ScrewedMe LLC and him together in a venue to share each other's hatred for Dania.  God works in mysterious ways...

Indeed, it's moments like this that remind us that our hatred of Dania Furniture should encourage furniture consumers to shop elsewhere and give a positive outlet for those that have worked in such terrible conditions, as to be employed by Dania.

God's shining down on us.  We just know it.