Sunday, November 20, 2011

Daniel Epeneter, #1 Dania Furniture Hater in the World

daniel epeneter, world's greatest dania hater

The world bid Daniel Epeneter, the World's Greatest Dania Furniture Hater, a reluctant adieu on November 1, 2011.  To the anti-Dania movement, he was known as the Whistleblower, and his contributions and influence bleed across this very blog in our words, pictures an ideas. Outside of his deep, seething hatred of Dania Furniture, he was revered, remembered and loved by his friends and family for being unmatched in wit, intelligence, and humanity. He was the smartest guy everyone knew, had a keen sense of humor, an ear for compassion, and dimples that could light up the night.  Needless to say, he will be missed for a variety of reasons.

Daniel was an early adopter of Dania Furniture hatred, and embraced it wholeheartedly from the start. He had a keen sense for social justice, and he saw this movement as an opportunity for him to help set some wrong things right in the world.  DSM Founder remarked, "Daniel's intense hatred of Dania Furniture was not only inspiring but truly laudable.  I don't think he even walked into a Dania Furniture store once, but he certainly was determined to hate them with all of his heart. I don't know what we'll do without him, but certainly 2012 will be an homage to Daniel as we try to move forward without him.  We will continue to express intense anti-Dania sentiment in the coming year - and hell, beyond - all in his name."

His ambitions were sky high for spreading his hatred, even becoming evangelical about the DSM movement and was ready to reach out to those that need to see the proverbial light.  Prior to his untimely passing, he sent a high Dania hatred intensity email spewing forth his fury about Dania Furniture.  He had it up to the cliched here with it, and wanted to share his message with the world.  Below are a few excerpts.

We need to do some more strategy thinking regarding how we are going to penetrate the non-believers. There are people out there getting screwed by Dania Furniture with know idea that there is help out there. 

Daniel takes the intensity to 11, as he dissects the strife of the shopping experience at Dania.  He viewed our online social media blitz with Dania Furniture as much more than words on the internet...this was a full-blown jihad.  Indeed, this was a very black and white issue to Daniel; his heart had become hardened by the the mere thought of Dania. He drew upon real life examples of how Dania's casualties of war affect real human lives, and is outraged at the aftermath. His compassion for "wounded" veterans in the war on Dania Furniture only displays his empathetic side to making sure all troops are taken care of from the start of the war to the end.  Daniel was indeed a big-picture, high-level thinker; he thought of everything.

...You return from the War with Dania Furniture after they screwed you and its difficult to reintegrate with society.

How on Earth could you expect someone to come back from Dania Furniture or to put the phone down after talking to one of their customer service representatives and not has some level of post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, I know three Officers in the US Reserve separate individuals that actually returned home from a 4 hour deployment in Dania that actually had lost limbs.

I hope the folks at Dania who are in charge of fine tuning the mathematics behind getting furniture through doors are not the ones in charge of fine-tuning the measurements of the prosthetics these brave souls are going to need as they learn to live the "new life" that has been thrust upon them so needlessly.

It is unclear whether he likened the terrible shopping experience of purchasing a product from a Dania store to losing a limb, or if he literally means shopping at Dania can result limb loss.  We wouldn't be surprised if it were the latter. Nevertheless, his punishing tirade is what what worthy, for they deserve to be called out for their lack of craftsmanship, knowledge of simple geometry, and terrible customer service.

Daniel concludes his message with an unexpectedly, reflective, emotional crescendo, where the true range of human emotion is on display.  Rather than shun Dania Furniture shoppers and cast shame upon them, Daniel ends with a classy, empathetic olive branch to them.  He paints a beautiful picture of a beautiful world free of Dania's reign, in a Louis Armstrong sort of way.  In many ways, this "stanza" is reminiscent of Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have A Dream" speech.

Dania Furniture shoppers....we here at Dania Screwed Me salute you, in fact we honor your attempt to procure furniture from a store designed to not disseminate that very furniture...I'm getting choked up here.....what I'm trying to say is keep your chin up....this "company" won't be able to continue such a regime forever. Further, when their time is up you will all be able to so you had a part in taking down such hostility, fascism and suppresion.

With Tremendous Gratitude,
Dania ScrewedMe

What a tremendously appropriate usage of the royal we.  Dania's shenanigans are soon to expire and your dream will be realized. Your contributions to the Anti-Dania Furniture movement and to the lives of those around you will never be forgotten, nor will they be made in vain. We will do you right, bro, we swear.