Sunday, April 8, 2012

Dania Furniture in Portland, Oregon. Probably A Nightmare of an Experience.

Portland, Oregon is a small, large metropolitan city of half a million plus people, just off the coast of the Pacific Ocean. Fun fact: Portland has more nicknames than Dirt McGirt, like PDX, the City of Roses (official), Beervana, P-Town, Stumptown, etc.  Much like its sister city, Seattle, Washington, Portland is one of the major cities of the Pacific Northwest, and is ruled by grey skies, caffeine, yummy beer, and beautiful artistic sadness.

Despite this seemingly depressing environment, Portland flourishes under these conditions.  It's a young, lively city dominated by food trucks, great music, retired hipsters, and a bunch of strip clubs.Indeed, Portland is a vast, vibrant land of 95 unique neighborhoods, where you're not too far away from the flavorful fun from their love of brewing killer beer.  Expert socialite, Kris Emery, describes it as "the greatest city ever;" noting that the people in Portland are better than most.  High praise from America's favorite Dania hater. Indeed, you can easily romp around the city for a weekend, or even get lost and live a lifetime there.  Anything goes in Portland.

Socially, Portland is a progressive, liberal city that has an open attitude to a variety of lifestyles and political choices...on the left-leaning side of the spectrum. Most notably, Portland reflects the states' love of free speech, has a giant LGBT population, and resides in only one of two states (joined by Washington) in permitting Netherlands-like euthanasia. We think it's fair to say that if you're a tolerant person, you'll enjoy living in Portland.

Unfortunately, the future of Portland is at risk of being wiped off the planet, due to a decline in birth rate. With 44% of the population in the 18 to 44 years old range, there should be plenty of fantastic Portlandians contributing to the gene pool to make society better!  What on earth is preventing America's coolest people from procreating?

Some have suggested to us that the mere terribleness of Dania's existence in Portland (including their other Oregon locations) has single-handedly siphoned out the love, romance, and passion of Portlandians such that they are not reproducing. We reject that notion, because it seems pretty crazy, although we do agree that Dania is terrible and bad.  We're sure there are other reasons as to why that's the case, but we do not have any evidence that Dania isn't sucking out the love that ignites the passion that creates families, or that the sheer horror that is Dania is sterilizing a significant population of Oregon.  With nearly 60% of Oregon's state population being concentrated in the greater Portland metropolitan area, it certainly does seem odd, but again...we don't agree with it, despite the fact that we can discredit that strong, seems-like-a-fact-but-isn't, opinion.

Hopefully Portlandians can find a way to keep procreating, to keep their cool-ass city alive, well, and with a future. Can someone at least stop selling contraceptives there for cryin out loud?! Portland, we are praying for you. Do yourself a favor and avoid this location and/or calling them, at all cost:

Dania Furniture in Hollywood District
1905 NE 41st Ave
Portland, OR 97212
(503) 284-0880

Furniture stores in Portland, OR that aren't Dania:
We cannot guarantee or even speak to the quality of service and product, but we implore you to at least stop by their stores and inquire about their products, warranties, and delivery to make a truly informed decision.  However, we are confident that shopping elsewhere is likely to yield exponential happiness and lifelong fulfillment.
  • City Liquidators - Family-owned and operated for over 30 years, offering new and used, home and office furniture at heavily discounted prices. 
  • Hunt &Gather - Large variety of different looks at real high-end furniture. Everything from traditional, to urban, to super funky, futuristic and everything in between. 
  • Hive Modern Design - Hella sleek, hella fancy...super tight gear. You know, everything Dania Furniture isn't.
  • IKEA - Affordable furniture you build with tools cro magnon designed.  
  • Macy's - Three locations in Portland offering their furniture gallery. It's good to live in Portland!
  • Paul Schatz Furniture - As described on their website, they boast "the finest in home furnishings that specialize in the Northwest lifestyle." Finally, a couch to match your flannel shirts!
  • Shleifer Furniture - Home furniture for those with space to spare...big comfy couches, giant beds, and anything other kind of furniture you could possibly want - supersized.
  • West Elm - Sharp, modern design in lots of different urban styles. 
Remember, folks, we cannot vouch for the quality of the furniture, or the customer experience, but we're confident that these are much better alternatives.  If you know of a furniture store we should include in our listings, please feel free to contact us at, and we'll be sure to include your information.

Back to the OCCUPY Dania Page for more information on furniture alternatives in other areas.