Monday, November 19, 2012

Another Year of Hating Dania Furniture, Another Page 1 Party.

lebron james, of team dania screwedme, saluting 2012's page 1 party

Folks, it's that time of the year to get together and celebrate our hatred of horrible Dania Furniture with this year's Page 1 Party!  If you're not familiar with this, it's a party that commemorates this very blog's massive achievement of appearing on page one of Google search results for "dania furniture."  We have vowed that every year we are on page one of Google, for at least this search term, we will always host an awesome party.  Check out last year's Page 1 Party recap.

Most important of all, however, is this year's Page 1 Party will be dedicated to fundraising for those in need, thanks to Hurricane Sandy.  We Dania haters will be melding our communal hatred of Dania Furniture with our human, empathetic side by fundraising for the Red Cross with amazing raffle prizes.  Hurricane Sandy's amazing destruction has been massive, and it's time for us to unite our around our Dania hate, and come together in this insane time to show the love to our fellow citizens.

If you would like to contribute to the raffle, please contact us immediately at daniascrewedme@gmail.com.  If you'd like to attend, then drop us a line at the same email address or give us a call at (724) 67-DANIA.

Details are developing, but here's what we have for the moment:
  • Date: Saturday, December 1st
  • Location: Super tight bar in Capitol Hill
  • Time: After 8pm...need to lock down a time
We will have more details in a week or so. Stay tuned and clear your calendar.

A Note to Dania:
Page 1 status is something we take very seriously, and we vow to be here forever.  We will continue to spread our message and educate the world on how terrible it is to shop at your store.  And we will always be creative in our marketing efforts, and outperform you with technical expertise and natural ability. We hope you've filled that job req for that digital marketer you were seeking, because you're going to need it. Keep visiting our site and watch us continue to grow.  We know your employees are.

Your director of marketing is following our "Worst of Dania Furniture" board on Pinterest, and a store manager is trying to connect with the blog founder's personal account on LinkedIn. An executive assistant at your company posts on this blog defending Dania and insinuating us, the customers, as being wrong without even reading the entire, epic, spellbinding story!  Wow, it sounds like your employees are really focused on selling your terrible products. What in the world are you guys trying to prove over there with all of this?  You guys really do enjoy the site, huh? Shouldn't you guys busy enough selling terrible, faux high end furniture to unsuspecting, hardworking Americans?

Why don't you just fix your store's image issues by dealing with problems as they occur - directly, rather than resorting to strange, bizarre, passive aggressive actions? We will never be silent about our hatred of all things Dania Furniture, and we want you to know this will be on the internet forever.  Really, you guys are just a bunch of cowards. After all, how great was it when someone in the Evil Dania Network contacted executives at the company the blog founder works for and made false allegations of profiting off this blog using company resources.  That made our 2011. That's pretty illegal, right - harming someone with with lies?  Because zero profits have been made, despite the thousands of dollars invested in this site (as you can clearly tell from the design of things), because we don't have anything to sell, but the truth (also waiting on a few patents to go through).  Also, it's gotta be pretty illegal to use these lies to try to ruin the reputation of an individual, right? To think that these sorts of intimidation tactics would work was downright idiotic, and yes, illegal.  You might want to consult legal counsel for things like this in the future, because you just might get sued!  It's funny...we had no idea that in addition to selling overpriced, fake-nice furniture, you guys went around libeling people that were expressing their First Amendment rights to free speech. Why do you hate America so much?

Dania, you are a mess. Why don't you just learn how to deliver your horrible furniture that people buy, during their lapses in judgment, and not worry about a large network rogue bloggers who receives thousands of visitors a year spreading their message on how putrid you guys are.  Your poor attempts at silencing us have only empowered us.  We have never initiated any contact with you (or any of your employees) since we proclaimed war against you, but here you are trying to make contact with us in a variety of channels with different levels of aggression.  What gives?  Weren't we supposed to cut ties?

The best way to disarm us is as simple as just being a good company by offering customer service. Stop being so terrible - really. But you'll never do that, because of your deep commitment to be utterly abominable.  This is why we will continue to stay on page 1 - to let people know the extent of how abhorrent you are, and that you are deserving of this bizarre, neverending outburst of ridicule.  In fact, we know we are reaching consumers, your employees, and everyone in between.  We know there is unrest within your company, and we know that a lot of those that work for you enjoy our content, because they hate working for you. Let's really hope no one who's super ambitious tries to unionize your employees, because that just might positively impact the culture of terrible and perception of idiocy you seem to love celebrating.  Or better yet, let's hope your employees aren't actually contacting us and telling things about you, as well.  That would be a shame!

We, the DaniaScrewedMe LLC have come a long way to give up now.  We can't wait until the 20th Annual Page One Party...unless, of course, we put you out of business by then.